It’s back to school time again but this time feels different. I’m a mother of two healthy, beautiful boys aged 5 and 6. One entering kindergarten and the other in first grade. This summer they stretched taller, lost some of their baby face roundness, and somehow even started manifesting the regular guy stinky feet. They need me a little less now too, which is a relief in some ways, but also a little painful in others.  

I’m so proud of how great of a big brother Killian is and how he cares for his younger brother, Kole (most of the time). They’re best friends, being only 16 months apart, I know, I know…. It was a surprise to us all. But an amazing one. They’re practically twins but incredibly different in so many ways. Getting their lunches ready and making sure there’s always two of everything while making sure it’s the preferred color of the individual, putting out their little uniforms that aren’t so little anymore, and setting out their shoes by the door that resemble real kid shoes now and not the cute little toddler ones that just look like one big colorful brick.  

These small details that seem so mundane and unimportant are what I am clinging to the most. The fact that this school year I am no longer the one waking them up, they just happen to appear in the living room watching their funny videos. Or that they can brush their teeth now but still need me to do their hair. I love that I’m still needed for the structure, to keep them in line and on time, but this year it’s different. They’re more independent. They have bigger, more open-ended questions. Questions that sometimes I know the answers to and other times we must research together. 

 They’ve started discussing things like God, Heaven, other religions, and what came before all of that. I am truly amazed by all our conversations, and I constantly wonder if I had this mental capacity at their age or if they’re just doing better than we were. The two of them amaze me every day with their reasoning skills and how they strategize their little plans and explain themselves to plead their case whenever they get in trouble. 

 This summer transformed them and this morning when I dropped them off in their car line, I turned and was going to get back into my car after I let them out, thinking they would already be half gone down the hallway, but to my delightful surprise, they were both behind me, looking at me expectantly with their little arms out. The fact that they wanted a hug after all my big morning thoughts about them growing up and needing me less, almost made me melt into a puddle of mom mess. I bent down and hugged them both tightly and sprinkled their heads and shoulders with kisses until they wiggled free.  

Misty-eyed, I got into my car and rolled alongside them until the mouth of the hallway separated us. I watched as they held hands with masses of these bigger kids around them and I swear I could see a little fuzzy glow of love around them. They are such a light in this world, and I intend to keep it that way for as long as I am able. They are my entire life and I feel so privileged to see them grow every day. I can’t wait to see what this year brings, and I hope everyone has a great school year! 

This was written by our contributing writer, Isis Jordan.