My life isn’t worth it. I’m not worth it. I am worthless. That’s what he said. That’s what I was, wasn’t it?

My heart was pumping like crazy.

Blood was pouring down the right-hand side of my face. My arms had marks and scratches running down them. My clothes were ripped, as were my bare feet; my legs were in a heap on the floor, and glass shards were caught in all of the cuts on my legs. I was a mess.

Red and blue lights were flickering everywhere, and doctors, cops, and nurses ensued in chaos around me.

A gun covered in blood was picked up in front of me and put in a clear, sealed bag. Several cops surrounded me. Their mouths were open and moving, but no sound seemed to be coming out. There was no noise around me, only silence.

Silence and blood.

Was it over?

***

Everything started rather perfectly. We met in the hospital, connecting over a patient; he was a surgeon, and I was a nurse; it was the typical love story.

He showered me with red roses at the start of shifts, bought chocolates for our dates, and picked me up, always arriving on time. The dates always started with him complimenting me on how pretty I was and how kind and hard-working I was.

‘I love you,’ was said within a few weeks of us getting together, I thought it was incredibly romantic, but now, when I think back to it, I realize how many red flags there were and how controlling he was.

His name was Liam Hendrix, better known to everyone as Dr. Hendrix, the top resident and on his way to becoming a neurosurgeon. On top of all the stress of the profession, along with the hours and sleep deprivation, he still asked me out and treated me extremely well. Everyone told me how lucky I was even while I was training to become a nurse anesthetist; he was the man that both men and women desired in the hospital.

It was the perfect love story for everyone who saw it.

But he was far from it.

We must’ve been going out for a month when he talked about us moving in together, when I say talked, he told me we were moving in together. It made the most sense, we were both heading towards the end of our training with a month or two left until we took a permanent position at the same hospital, we could save on rent, food, gas money. We didn’t need two cars, that was pointless, we just needed one and to work similar shifts, it all made sense.

Everything was ‘we need to do’ and ‘we should…’ when what he meant was, he wanted this a certain way, and what he said was the only right way, my opinion was stupid.

The control started slowly, making sure what I wore to work was modest and appropriate for me to be seen in with him. Liam would pack my lunches, it was very sweet people said, he told me it was because I needed to lose some weight.

Driving to work, he would belittle our colleagues, talking about how stupid they were and how, in comparison, he would have to be asked to take over because, obviously, he was the smartest person in the hospital and the one that they all had been waiting for to turn things around.

I get it, I mean he wasn’t stupid, to be in his field of medicine you had to be pretty smart maybe that’s what made him so crazy. But people at work listened and admired him, he was the crush that everyone desired, they all asked him for advice didn’t criticise his findings and he got results always ending up saving the patients. He was your modern-day Superman doctor, the man that everyone wanted to be. It helped that he came out of the foster system and worked hard for everything that he got, scholarships, jobs, top-tier education. So, I get it, I do that’s what attracted me to him in the first place.

My upbringing wasn’t anything amazing, my dad died in a bombing somewhere in Iraq when I was four, my brother who was only a few years older ended up raising me after my mom went a bit reclusive and avoided normal people. It probably didn’t help that she was beaten around a bit by my dad, not that I remember much of it, but that’s what my brother says.

When we got married, everyone celebrated our faultless match; he changed for the worse after that. The beating started, the bullying, and the control.

If Liam had stayed the romantic, hard-working orphan that he said he was, things might’ve ended differently.

I wouldn’t have had to do what I did.

***

It’s an average start to the day, we are late because ‘I’ forgot to set a second alarm, so both of us were scrambling around trying to get showered and dressed for work. We both rushed around, trying to keep out of each other’s way until we made it to the car. He drove, I was incapable apparently and got to work with exactly four minutes to spare.

Normal couples, at that point, would have crazy four-minute sex in the back of their car and be a few minutes late to work. But to Liam, turning up any time before you were expected to be in was what you should be doing.

‘You dumb bitch!’ He slapped me hard across my right cheek, ‘I’m late because of your incompetence, now I’m behind for the rest of the day you better not do this again!’

Liam got out of the car and stormed into the entrance of the hospital. Tears threatened to come streaming down my face, but he didn’t like tears; they were for the weak. My right hand cradled my sore cheek. I didn’t have time for this, my free hand reached into my handbag to get some of my makeup, I splashed some cover-up on hoping to cover up the redness. After all, me turning up late wouldn’t look good for him anyone would joke that he couldn’t rein his girlfriend in, that would come back to bite me later.

I got into work exactly on time and went straight to my desk, checking that my makeup covered up enough.

Soon enough, I saw my favorite colleague rush towards me. Daniel was a small build for a man and had smooth olive skin, baby blue eyes, and a dark brown buzzcut. He moved over from New York around the same time that I started here, and we hit it off.

‘Hey, Alessia! How are you doing, girl?’ He asked comfortably, joining me on the empty chair next to my desk.

‘I’m good thanks, Danny, are you all caught up on today’s procedures, have the patient’s history?’ I asked.

‘Of course, I’m no slacker! I’d ask how you’re doing but obviously, you are already caught up on the whole of this week’s patients.’ He said back playfully.

I smirked, ‘Well duh, and I’m not passing my notes onto you this time do some real work for once!’

Daniels’s posture quickly changed, he got up off the chair and patted me softly on the shoulder, ‘I’ll see you later A!’ Rushing off before I could say anything back.

I looked over my shoulder and saw Liam giving me a stare, he hated Daniel and couldn’t see why I bothered with a ‘low-life’ like him as he called it. He wouldn’t further my career, so there wasn’t much point in being friendly with him in his eyes. Not that I think Daniel cared; he said Liam was creepy and thought I could do better than him, which wasn’t true.

Liam’s stare wasn’t a good one, this evening I was in trouble for sure. His face quickly switched back to a friendlier one as he joined the conversation with his colleagues.

When I got back to my work, I kept my head down for as long as I could, hoping he would forget all about it.

***

Waiting patiently around the corner from the hospital on a wooden bench, I rubbed my shoulders, hoping to get some warmth. It was snowing heavily which helped to explain the black eye and broken wrist, I can’t remember what I did to deserve them, I just wasn’t good enough.

After hearing the snow crunch near to me, I turned to the source of the noise to see some bright pink wellies come close towards me. An extremely tall figure came towards me, wearing a pristine white knee-length coat and black leggings My brother, or should I say sister had changed immensely since I last saw her, her hair was bleach blonde in a bob and her face had been altered slightly to have a more feminine appearance.

‘Hey, Rachel! It’s so good to see you, you look great!’ I got up and hugged her tightly my tiny height was nothing in comparison and I easily sunk into her coat.

‘It’s good to see you too, thanks my transition is pretty much complete, it’s been too long since I last saw you, where have you been!’ She asked, eager to hear everything.

She was being so polite since I had been fobbing off seeing her since she first transitioned. Rachel had to wait almost two years living as a woman before she could change anything fully, and that was around a year ago when she scheduled her first surgery.

It wasn’t my fault, Liam was embarrassed by my new sister and wanted to steer clear until the news had died down a bit, as he said he didn’t want it affecting the start of his career. Meeting up with her on my lunch break was the only time I had away from Liam and hopefully, he wouldn’t see us here. Many of my friends were a great embarrassment to Liam, so I cut ties with most of them to keep him happy.

We caught up with each other on family gossip, Rachel’s gory transition details, and a few things about my career. I kept details about my marriage very quiet as I didn’t want her to judge.

‘So, are we just going to avoid it?’ Rachel asked with a concerned tone.

‘Avoid what?’ I answered back rather sheepishly.

Rachel gave me a knowing stare, pointing to my eye and wrist. I quickly moved my coat sleeve up to hide the cast.

‘Please tell me this isn’t what’s been going on! It’s not Liam, is it? You are looking as skinny as a twig!’ She shot the questions at me like they had been on her mind for a while.

My sister wasn’t stupid she could read me like a book. But she couldn’t know how far I’d fallen; anyway, things were getting better, I was getting better at doing things right it wouldn’t stay like this forever.

‘Of course not!’ I replied, ‘I slipped there’s been so many people coming into the hospital with injuries from falling in the snow, it’s not just me!’

She stared at me with raised eyebrows, ‘I can tell when you’re lying, please just tell me what’s going on I can help you I can…’

‘My breaks over. I need to get back to work.’ I answered, interrupting her.

‘Alessia, please talk to me; maybe I can speak to Liam, I can…’

‘This was a mistake; Liam said you would only cause drama, and you are; I’m glad you’re happy with your new life, but just because you hid a load of secrets doesn’t mean that’s what I’m doing with mine!’ I shouted back to her, picking up my things.

‘Please don’t do this again just let me talk to you, come and stay with us for a bit.’ She tried again.

‘No, stay out of my life and keep the hell away from me!’ I shouted as I ran back towards the hospital, leaving my sister alone in the heavy snow.

***

My hands were shaking violently as I gripped tightly onto the wheel. I was driving for the first time in months.

Everything was a blur, I started wanting to drive back, back to him, but I held the wheel, aiming to get to the hospital. I just needed to get there, then everything would be ok.

Liam started throwing things at me, first a wine glass, then a bottle and it quickly progressed to knife throwing. I finally threatened divorce unless he changed his ways, and got help but he just saw red, and I was the target and this time it didn’t look like I was coming out alive.

A few weeks after speaking to my sister, my old patient Ziggy came into the hospital. She had almost fully recovered from her unfortunate diagnosis, and we had been keeping in touch. I was surprised to see her, but she came in with her friend, who was badly bruised and beaten.

After speaking to Ziggy and her friend, we found out that she had left her boyfriend after he threatened to beat the life out of her. She said she has been in an abusive relationship for years and only recently had the strength to fight her way out. Ziggy helped her out of the situation and was filing a police report to get the boyfriend imprisoned for what happened.

She was in recovery for a week, and I started to realise that my situation seemed to be alike. Seeing the similarities in both of our relationships cracked the image that I had in my head after realizing that I wasn’t the problem Liam was.

From that point onwards, I started fighting back, which is what brought on this fight. Liam had charged at me, hands grasped tightly around my throat while the rest of his body was holding me down on the floor.

My hands desperately tried to pull him away, but they kept getting tighter. My right hand scrambled around me, trying to grab anything that could defend me. I luckily fell upon one of the unbroken wine bottles he recently threw at me and aimed it at his head.

The grip around my neck loosened and he fell back, I turned to see what he was doing, my heart was racing and blood pumping, I got up and tried to catch my breath running to the door, taking the car keys with me.

I’d done it; I finally hit him back! But now driving in the car I didn’t know what to do, would he chase after me? I had our car so he couldn’t follow me that quickly, would he know where I was going?

Keeping my hands on the wheel and putting my foot down, I raced to the hospital.

***

The nurses at the reception gasped when they saw me. I mean I know I looked bad my clothes were all torn; my arms were marked from all the glass that was thrown at me. My legs had taken the brunt of the hits, I could see some pieces of glass sticking out of the cuts. My feet were bare and I’m assuming that my throat probably had some bruise marks around them, so I’m sure I didn’t look how they expected.

‘Alessia, are you ok what happened?’ Asked a concerned Daniel walking close to me.

I coughed, trying to clear my tight throat, ‘Liam, I… it was Liam, he’s abusive, he…’

‘I most certainly am not!’ replied a painstakingly familiar voice behind me.

Liam. He had found me.

‘Alessia had a fall down the stairs while she was drinking. You can smell the alcohol all over her.’ Liam said calmly to the people around me.

‘Now hold on a second,’ Daniel took a step-in front of me, ‘She has been coming into work covered in bruises for once, she never joins us for drinks, it’s obviously you, you disgusting pig!’

The nurses next to me seemed conflicted, why wouldn’t they believe him everyone loves him they can’t see what he is. Liam was clenching his fists at his side, punching Daniel would be so out of character for him to do to someone other than me but maybe that’s all he needs is a little push.

‘You’ve been abusing me, Liam! For months I put up with your crap; you made me think it was my fault, that I was the one causing problems when you’re the insecure one.’ I shouted at him. It was now or never, I had people around me and hoped they would be able to see it from my side.

I started to see a change in Liam’s face, he never expected me to speak up, saying this at the hospital would end his career as a surgeon for sure, but he came to work making this public.

‘Now honey, you’ve been working too hard, you’ve created stories in your head, come on we just need to get you checked in and find you some help for all of your delusions.’ he carefully answered back.

‘No!’ I shouted back, charging straight in his direction. The security guards at the entrance came towards us, unsure of the situation.

‘No?’ He questioned back.

There were suddenly a few screams, and someone yelled, ‘Get down!’ but I didn’t move.

Standing my ground, I didn’t see Liam reach for the shotgun in the guard’s pocket; in a slick motion, he held the gun to my head.

‘What about now?’ he said, smiling down at me.

I don’t think things had ever become this dire. Liam had never had a gun; I didn’t think it would ever come into the equation. Hands shaking and my legs barely holding me up, I tried not to move. It was me and him, everyone else was on the floor and the security guards that were left held their guns at him, but it was a lost cause.

‘Do it.’ I said, looking directly into his soulless brown eyes. ‘You’ve always been too chicken to pull the trigger, show everyone who you truly are.’

He looked at me, his smirk now fading after understanding that his mask was off people were seeing him for who he was, a monster and coward. Abusing women was his way of feeling powerful and in control; I had just taken the power he had away from him, and now he wasn’t as strong as he thought.

Alternative Endings:

Option 1:

‘You have two choices, either shoot me and end this or give me the gun.’

I turned my head slowly at the guards behind him, mouthing, ‘Get ready.’

Liam’s hands lowered and the gun with it. ‘I don’t want to kill you; you just push my limits. I have to teach you how to act right.’

My hands met his as I grabbed the gun out of his hands and placed it on the floor.

‘See it’s fine you didn’t need to hurt me; you don’t need to hurt anyone.’

I turned my eyes to Daniel, who was edging towards me. Looking away was the wrong move.

The next time I opened my eyes, I was looking up at Daniel’s concerned face. My head was pounding, and my eyes felt glossed over. I could see Liam getting arrested in front of me; his hand was bloody and starting to bruise.

Turning back to Daniel, I could see his mouth moving and people around him saying things. My eyes were getting sleepy now; there were so many things I wanted to do, say sorry to my sister, and tell her I loved her, tell Ziggy to put Liam away for life and start my new one and have friends again, family again and a normal partner who loved me just the way I was.

But time wasn’t on the cards anymore, there was just silence, colors blending and rushing around me. Then there was nothing.

Option 2:

His moment of hesitation was all I needed, snatching the gun out of his hands I turned its back on him.

Looking shocked and a little worried Liam said, ‘Come on Alessia put the gun down, we can work this out there’s couples therapy, we can talk our problems through to someone, just put the gun down.’

I was hesitant. I know it’s not my fault our marriage, the abuse, the years of mental and physical torture it has caused my life, but now was the chance I could take my power back shooting him would mean that he could never hurt me or anyone again.

Looking at the guards, I said, ‘Take him.’

It didn’t take long for them to come and arrest Liam; I handed the gun back to them.

Liam would get what he deserved time away, Ziggy would help me see to that. I wanted to call my sister and apologise; I want my old life back before he took all the good parts. Watching him get taken in by the cops was the best thing that could’ve happened; the nurses and doctors got up and looked at me; I turned towards Daniel and smiled.

It was finally over.

Option 3:

His moment of hesitation was all I needed, snatching the gun out of his hands I turned it back on him.

Looking shocked and a little worried Liam said, ‘Come on Alessia. Put the gun down, we can work this out there’s couples therapy, we can talk our through our problems, just put the gun down.’

I was hesitant. I know it’s not my fault our marriage, the abuse, the years of mental and physical torture it has caused my life; but now was the chance I could take my power back, shooting him would mean that he could never hurt me or anyone again.

Turning to the guards, I was about to open my mouth when I saw Liam move to his pocket and reach for a sharp, silver object. I closed my eyes and took the shot.

Then there was silence. Chaos was moving around me, my ears were ringing, and when I opened my eyes, I saw Liam on the floor with blood pouring out around him.

I did it. I finally did it; Liam was dead.

A gun covered in blood was picked up in front of me and put in a clear, sealed bag. Several cops surrounded me. Their mouths were open, moving but no sound seemed to be coming out. There was no noise around me, only silence. Silence and blood.

Was it over?

Was I finally free?

I’m not really sure what to have as a picture for it is there a symbol or something that represents domestic violence?

This was written by our contributing writer, Shanai Besst.