Image Source: Unsplash- Melissa Askew
As a survivor of childhood abuse, learning to keep the peace and smooth out other people’s discomfort created an adult who struggles to stand firm in what I believe in and know to be true. While I have many great examples of all the moments I did the right thing, it comes at the cost of second-guessing myself and worrying if I upset someone. Even more so, if that person is within my trusted and loved inner circle. The conversational tennis match in my head when I speak up is exhausting. It weighs me down on my best days and carries me through the silence.
However, I built a coaching practice on helping others find their authentic voice while also learning to build up to trusting the people around them. If I am not practicing what I preach, then who am I to coach others in how to be? Still, I am human. As a species, we are designed to like the predictable while chasing the comforts of yesteryear into the unknown. We can certainly agree that no one wants to be the poster child of a. Still, it was what once littered my home and, therefore, was the only “safe” place I knew.
Breaking the mold, the silence, and the heartbreak is never an easy feat. I have upset others throughout the decades in sharing my dirty laundry, I have been asked to not shame the very friends and family who ignored my battle cries for help, and I have been asked repeatedly to dismiss the details of the harm caused. When you pack that up with overwhelming shame and fear, your body is smeared in just from being abused, suddenly, finding your voice to share with your inner circle is the last thing on your mind.
It is much easier to follow the status quo, put your head down, and say Yes, Sir/Ma’am all day long. I can’t think of one moment in history where change happened by someone shrinking themselves. No one is asking you to change the world, but I am asking you to change yourself and your thinking habits. You are not weak for surviving the circumstances that created you. You are not weak for learning to dodge the bullets with a beating heart. And you certainly are not weak because you did everything possible to keep yourself alive today.
While the path wasn’t pretty, I promise you, surviving is worth it. In the midst of learning how to enjoy life without waiting for the bomb to drop, you are going to have to get uncomfortable in learning how to be exactly who you are meant to be, and more so, embrace the knowing that you do not and cannot control everything, even those you love.
Below are a few exercises I recommend trying:
- Write down a popular opinion you absolutely disagree with at the top of your page. Without much thought, write down every thought that comes to mind, defending your stance on why you feel differently.
- Practice using no as a full sentence. It sounds silly, but you do not owe anyone a single explanation as to why you cannot do or be somewhere. No is a full sentence. Use it.
- Surround yourself with like-minded people. The best confidence boost in sharing who you are works well when you are in a room with people who share common interests, opinions, and activities. It’s a bit easier going with the flow. Get comfortable talking in that circle, then slowly invite yourself into conversations where you can offer a different opinion. Always share in kindness. We are not here to attack but rather bloom into who we are in our cores.
- Get curious. When you are uncertain, ask questions. You just never know what you could learn that might change your mind or your life.
- Give yourself permission to take a break. Learning to use your voice when it was once silenced is a powerful move. It is also very exhausting. Keep doing the work as often as you can, but also remember you are building skills that were stolen from you- it’s going to take time.
While there are many other ways in which we can navigate finding your voice and the power that comes from embracing your inner circle, at the end of the day, learning who you are and what speaks the most to you is a step to creating lasting relationships that feel supportive and loving.
You deserve the love that you seek. Including the way you love yourself.
Speak up.
This was written by our contributing writer, Tiffani Morgan.
Leave a Reply