Image Credit: Pexels- Andrea Piacquadio
Forgiveness is often wrapped in a religious ideology, twisting the belief that to move forward in life, we must forgive those who hurt us. If we are unable to release and move past the trauma they caused, we are shamed into unworthiness of God’s love. For all my 44 years on this magnificent planet, forgiveness has not come easily, and it certainly doesn’t resonate with me on any sort of human level. I call bullshit when other people tell me I will not know peace until I know forgiveness. However, I am also not tied to religious practice that requires such.
Still, I respect those who, without fear of condemnation, seek to understand the peace leaders have been preaching for centuries. I must admit, I am at a crossroads with a self-inflicted belief system and finding a path that brings peace. Do I dare run into the rabbit hole to seek the benefits of forgiveness? While I am under no delusion that this is a short process, I can agree, the same time will pass rather I sit here disappointed in how life is turning out or I work towards finding solace in the cards I was dealt of which are weaved together through childhood trauma, loss of love, and loss of myself.
Who am I, if not the survivor?
Who am I, if not sitting in situations that grow my grit and resilience?
Who am I when simply sitting in silence?
While I do not have a God-fearing relationship, I do believe in a higher power. I am no puppet, but every choice leads to a path that builds the life I am walking in. Rather, if I go left or right, it matters not; a door will open, a door may close, but all the while, I am going exactly where I need to be. Even the messy, ugly parts are the parts of life my soul must grow and learn through to get to wherever it is I am going. This philosophy is easy to live in when all is well however, mix in a few milestones level messiness, and damn do I wish I had a different belief system.
A common phrase I remind myself of often, “You either win or you learn,” sits just above my workstation. When I am emotionally supporting others, I often tell them it is okay to go through the mistakes of life, focus on what you learned and do better next time. After all, no amount of formal education or the school of hard knocks can prepare you for every decision we need to make. We will absolutely do things that go against every fiber we stand for while trusting people we never should have trusted.
If I can walk away from all of life’s lessons with an open heart and mind, then I am winning.
I ask myself, how do I let go of the pain? What is the purpose of forgiving under this concept that we will walk a little lighter? For me, it’s known that even in the choices that led to the worst aspects of my life, I too survived that. I have survived 100% of my worst days. I will keep my head high knowing I have exactly what it takes to do so. The person who I loved that failed me can be both a person who caused great pain and a person who I loved with my whole heart. The duality of our choices is real. One memory can spin around in our heads and bring a smile to our faces, while tears also run down our cheeks from the pain of knowing it will only remain a memory. The pain doesn’t last forever. It does get easier to deal with.
For those of us who have suffered great awareness of someone else’s choices that have caused what feels like unbearable harm, it is very true that time will heal. I may never know why I needed to walk the paths laid out for me, but I am a better person for them. My kind heart and soul exist because I know what it’s like to be beaten down. My door is always open because I know what it’s like to not a friend to sit next to. My heart is worn on my sleeve while I shout how I feel because I know what it’s like to watch someone die and have never said the words, I love you. My mind races with the need to solve the world’s problems with love and generosity because I know what it is like to be ignored in the darkest of times, and even worse, to ask for help only to be met with blank stares. I overshare so that others can learn from my healing. I am boastful of others’ successes as I know what it’s like for people to take credit for the work I have done. The list goes on.
The life I have lived is not glamorous. It has been rough. I have fought to keep the peace when I should have walked away. I have starved myself of love, waiting for “the right person” to see my value. I have questioned my very existence on this beautiful earth far more than I’d like to admit. I have kept quiet when I shouldn’t, and I have equally been blamed for being too loud. I cannot please everyone, but I can certainly keep the peace within.
At 44, that peace is more important than the status quo, and pretending to be in something that no longer serves me.
And for that, I think the path of forgiveness becomes a little clearer.
The art of letting go begins again.
This was written by our contributing writer, Tiffani Morgan.
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