I am a recovering People Pleaser. Today, at 45, I still wish there was a support group I could attend no less than once a week to walk along with me in this recovery. While it’s true that I am not technically harming anyone, I have, in fact, continuously harmed myself at the cost of everyone’s self-perceived happiness. I struggle to say No. I prioritize their schedules over my own. I don’t stick to my gut. I allow them to have access, even though logically I should have cut it off ages ago. And for what? To keep them happy while sacrificing my inner peace.
What hurts the most in all of this is coming to terms with knowing I have allowed myself to be someone else’s convenience. As in, if it works for them, then I am all in, but when it comes to them meeting my needs, I am good at giving excuses as to why they aren’t available or unable to prioritize meeting them. What a waste! The blurred lines between being flexible and being walked all over are far too narrow for me to determine in my current state of recovery.
I am a powerhouse. Those who know me well assume I am absolutely not putting up with someone else’s drama that interferes with my dreams or goals. While that is true, it is also true that I am really good at not honoring myself in fear of losing others. I’ll shrink my needs. I’ll ask for less. I’ll stay when I know I should get up and go. I will do all the things against my knowing just to save face and avoid difficult conversations.
It costs me more than people realize.
I don’t know who I am without making sure everyone in the room is happy. I don’t know what it feels like to be selfish and make the life I want without considering how my kids are affected or how it might play out with my significant others. However, I can give many examples of all the times someone I loved did exactly what they wanted, even after I expressed disdain.
How does one find the balance?
I take great pride in being flexible. I truly don’t care where we eat or what chair I sit in. I do care, though, where I live and how I spend my vacations. I don’t care if the food is organic or sealed in plastic. But I do care that the food everyone eats is served and in abundance. My therapist said, “Being flexible is fine. If being flexible interrupts your peace, then it’s people pleasing.” And yes, I truly do slow down and ask myself, “Am I being flexible, or do I just want to see the other person happy more than myself?”
It’s a good thing to want to see others succeed and meet their dreams. This is not about that. This is about sacrificing your core beliefs in order to keep a relationship healthy. If you are doing so, the cost is higher than just your inner peace. The cost is the relationship you have with yourself. This is the only relationship that is guaranteed. Other people will come and go. Relationships fade, people die, and even if it’s not that dramatic, we’re all aware that we outgrow our friends and lovers all the time. Why are we working so hard to make sure others are happier than we are within ourselves?
It’s a trauma response.
I am here to undo it.
Slowly and with grace.
Sadly, for all the people who are used to walking all over me, it’s going to be a big slap on their faces. They won’t understand this new version. They will call me selfish. They may yell and scream. I truly am unaware of how this falling-out plays out over time. Still, I am happiest when I know I am being true to myself. We all are.
One day at a time.
One choice at a time.
I am learning to love myself without guilt and, more importantly, by putting my needs first.
This was written by our contributing writer, Tiffani Morgan.
Image Source: Pexels, Andrea Piacquadio
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