When I first saw that this publication was looking for writers to contribute their work, I immediately thought: “How can I add something of value to this magazine and its readers?” Each of us, regardless of what it is we aspire to become in life, all want to do something that makes each morning worth getting up. If I have to hit snooze a couple of times before I feel the desire to even leave the comfort of my green and purple floral bedding- I already know I’m dreading the day and what’s to come. I rarely hit the snooze button as often now! Ok…I lied, it’s actually every 10 minutes until I finally hear my inner voice say, “Raeshan, get that tushy up now,” and THEN I get up and start the day. Oh, in case you are wondering what that inner voice sounds like- Fran! Yes! That Fran from the iconic 90’s show, “The Nanny!”
I thought long and hard over these last few weeks about what piece would best fit for introducing you, the readers of “The Up and Coming Magazine,” to the work that best showcased my voice as a writer. Should I kick off my contributing articles with a piece on what it’s like to be 39 and learning to live for the first time? Or maybe I should write about what it’s like to recover from a 5-year-long depressive episode; how that has shaped, molded, and transformed my life in every area possible. I spent some time thinking about this as I was outlining the other writing obligations I am contracted for… and it hit me: “Raeshan, why are you becoming fur-klempt about what to write and how it will land with the readers?” And if you’re wondering, yes, that is a Yiddish term spoken by Fran. I told you my inner voice is her!
I realized that the reason I was so nervous about drafting this piece for the magazine wasn’t because I was worried about what I wanted to say- I was more concerned if what I said was worth reading! It hit me…I am still holding remnants of being a ‘people pleaser.’ I have spent most of my life being the version of myself that was expected by each person I’ve encountered. It is exhausting to have to be so many iterations of yourself. I often found myself codeswitching among different groups of people; oftentimes, hiding my authentic identity and personality, for fear of not being accepted. I wanted people to like me. Love me. Choose me. Bonus points if you watch Grey’s Anatomy and catch that reference.
While I spent my childhood, the awkward puberty years, and the wild twenties (…well, they weren’t that wild; I was known to go out and be home by 9 P.M. to watch marathons of “The Golden Girls” on The Hallmark Channel), hiding myself and basically, every moment of my existence before 2026 being influenced and shaped by the rooms I hoped to occupy. I coveted having a seat at the cool kids’ table; eager to no longer be the Molly Ringwald in a John Hughes movie- except I’m black, and my hair color is definitely not red. Wait? What is my natural hair color? Ok, that’s besides the point. Where were we? Oh yes, I spent so long desiring to be the ingénue chosen by the “cool kids” that it ended up leading to me hating myself and wanting to no longer live.
I can now finally say that I no longer aspire to be Molly Ringwald in The Breakfast Club. Actually, I think I’m ok with Ally Sheedy’s character… except…you know, black, and way better hair! No shade, of course! But I decided the best way to introduce you to me, Raeshan, is by announcing to you, and also myself- I am no longer focused on doing things for the sole purpose of being liked or chosen. If this were a T-Swift portion of her Eras Tour, I guess you could say I’m finally in my anti-people-pleasing era. It feels great! I can’t wait to share this journey, my work, and all that this encompasses with all of you. And with myself, too!
This was written by our contributing writer, Raeshan Hart.
Image Credit: Raeshan Hart
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