At this point, most of us are acutely aware of what our 5 Love Languages are. Thank you, Dr. Gottman, for encouraging us to take the quiz to get to know ourselves a little more. The answers provide a quick guide to your partner in how best you feel and hear you are loved. Every five years or so, I retake the quiz. Since my mid-thirties, my results have been the same; Touch and Quality Time are the keys to making sure I feel loved. When my children were younger, though, Acts of Service remained at the top. As the seasons change, it makes sense to me that my needs and desires adapt to those stages as well.
However, Receiving Gifts has always been the last on my list. In my early years, I would loudly boast to anyone that I didn’t care if you bought/made me a gift; I just wanted time with you. That remained true until it didn’t. Somewhere in my forties, I came to terms with the fact that I do enjoy receiving gifts. I would much rather have random Tuesday flowers than a dozen roses on Valentine’s Day, except when it is a gift-giving occasion; then I’m a pretty harsh critic of what I do or don’t receive.
At first, I didn’t like this about myself. I never wanted anyone to think of me as materialistic. As I pondered through these feelings, I realized it wasn’t just about what the person handed to me; it was more about the thought that went behind the physical item they curated for my special day. Maybe it is the thought that counts; however, if you only think about buying me something nice but don’t actually give it to me, I’d consider it a failure. Therefore, I have come to accept that I do, indeed, associate feeling special with receiving material items for special occasions or random Tuesdays.
As I grew more honest with myself, I was able to articulate this to close friends and family. Turns out, I’m not alone. So many people I hold dear to my heart would never consider themselves materialistic, and yet feel so much joy when they receive a well-thought-out gift. It could be an item from the dollar store, and still, they burst with instant gratitude for having a friend who thought of them in the moment they were at the checkout line.
Which led me down the rabbit hole, is it the thought that counts, but we have just interpreted the meaning incorrectly all our lives? It certainly isn’t about the price tag but about knowing that I popped into your head in some mundane situation that brings joy to my soul. It is also, however, taking time to plan a surprise for an important milestone such as an anniversary or birthday that fulfills a much-needed part of my emotional well-being.
At this point, I must lean in and say it’s both: it is equal parts the thought and the item associated with the occasion of receiving a gift. The thoughts behind the plan tell me I am important enough to you to block time, think about me and/or us in how we should spend that time together, and what item I would appreciate best with this milestone. The gift, equally important, is the item that will forever remind me of that moment. If done well, that moment is unforgettable just as the relationship in which we are in.
While this may not deserve some sort of mic-drop, I do hope it can bring you a little closer to understanding you and/or your partner a bit more. It’s helpful to know why disappointment shows on someone’s face in moments that aren’t well planned or when gifts fall short. If you haven’t come to terms with where you fit within this topic, I encourage you to sit still with yourself and lean in a little. It’s okay that 363 days out of the year you don’t care much about gifts while recognizing that on 2 days (or so) you do.
This was written by our contributing writer, Tiffani Morgan.
Image Source: Pexels, www.kaboompics.com
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