Do you know who you are?

  When you get up in the morning, is there ever a question of what you should wear or how you should look. Do you ever question it and think this isn’t me?

   I did. Well, I did, and I didn’t. I knew who I was supposed to be but didn’t know who I really was until later. Does that make sense?

   Doing everything right doesn’t mean that your life is the way you hoped it would be. Getting a good job, getting married, and having kids doesn’t mean that your life will be perfect; there is no perfect way or order of doing things.

  My life has been fairly good. I have been happily married for 35 years, and we have two exceptional children who are close to us, and they are both doing well.

  I look at myself in the mirror and turn around, envisaging myself and what I could do now that I’m no longer in service.

I turn away from the mirror and put on my heavy-duty camouflaged jacket, green T-shirt, boots, and trousers. Different, I feel free somehow, knowing that this is the last time that I will have to put on my uniform. Now that I’m retired, I can live my life the way I want to, with no restrictions, no orders, and most of all, no judgment.

  Now it’s time for the most dangerous and gut-wrenching moment of my life, worse than a landmine explosion, a bullet to the chest, a kidnapping. Now it’s time to stand my ground, not be a coward, and tell my family who I really am.

*

  At my father’s funeral, my mother didn’t cry; no tears were shed. She was wearing a simple, plain black knee-length dress, with a string of pearls wrapped tightly around her neck; black Gucci sunglasses; and black Louis Vuitton high heels, and her hair was tied back in a perfect bun.

  As his casket was lowered down into his grave, my mother’s grasp tightened around my hand, but her face remained emotionless. My younger sister, Alessia, was only 4 at the time, looking like the mirror image of my mother, and was holding her other hand tightly. The many well-dressed people at my father’s funeral whose tears covered their faces as they held a strong salute. Apparently, he impacted a lot of people.

  I looked down at his casket, an American flag folded and pressed neatly on top, with a bed of roses and pictures of us as a family. His best friend approached me, gave me a handshake, and said he was looking forward to working alongside me one day.

  My mother dragged us away soon after that; we got in the backseats of the car and looked out at the window to the soil filling his grave. She looked uncomfortable as she was getting herself ready to start driving; it was something that my father usually did, a task she would now have to get used to. Strapping her seatbelt in and telling us to do the same, she removed her sunglasses and pulled away from the cemetery.

  ‘I miss daddy,’ Alessia stated still looking out the window, ‘They said he died saving a bunch of people, he must’ve been really brave.’

  Stopping the car, my mother turned to us, revealing her healing black eye with a cold, soulless glare. She looked dead straight at Alessia and said, ‘He was no hero…’

  She started up the engine again and continued to drive away.

*

  It’s a usual morning, I wake up early, have a shower get changed into my pleated modest emerald, green dress, brush my teeth and start on the breakfast, the tablecloth is set, I lay the table and wait patiently for everyone to come down and join me. I pick up my battered copy of the Bible and start to read some verses to calm my mind.

  Today is the big day. After just over 25 years, my husband, Robert, is finally retiring from his role as Lieutenant General, meaning we can spend proper time together again like we did when we first got married. I stayed up late just to make a congratulations cake and some pastries, they are all boxed up and ready to go.

My son and daughter come running down the stairs in an attempt at beating each other to the breakfast table. Tiffany is 22, and Simon is 24; they still act like young children but are great people to live with. 

  We are all ready for this change, they want their dad to be their dad again, not too busy to turn up to school plays, rugby games, cake shows, and birthdays. They want their dad to be present, especially since Simon has some exciting news to tell us; my guess is a proposal to his long-term girlfriend, but I’m sure we will find out soon. We aren’t sure what it is yet, but I have a pretty good idea.

  Hearing some heavy footsteps coming down the stairs we all look up to see Robert looking as smart as ever wearing his army uniform, his face looks preoccupied, even though you can see he is trying to hide, I just put it down to nerves.

  This is the biggest party we have gone to, and it is a send-off for the next part of our lives, a time where we can be a family again.

*

Walking into the party was easier than I thought; I came in arms linked with my beautiful wife, Eve, carrying all her baked goods while Tiffany and Simon were following behind us. Then we went our separate ways, socialising with other people that we knew friends for years, windowed wives of my fallen comrades. It was the last time I would see them as Robert that was dead set in my mind.

  We had a few dances with friends and family members; my mother was there, sitting quietly in the background. Her hair was grey, styled perfectly as always, as well as the rest of her attire, her face creased. She didn’t want this life for me, but it was in the cards. My great-grandfather, my grandfather, and my father were all in the military, all soldiers serving their country; it was something that I knew I was going to do and was instilled into me from the moment I was born.

  ‘Robert, congratulations, you made it.’ She said emotionless as I walked over to her.

  ‘Thanks, that means a lot coming from you.’ I replied lightly.

  It was going to be a long party if she stayed in this mood, but I was used to it. All of a sudden, a huge force knocked me to the floor. I looked up and saw Alessia’s face laughing hysterically at me.

  ‘Oh, you stupid twat Robbie, every time I do this you fall.’

  ‘I’m obviously doing it for your amusement, honestly, you couldn’t knock me over if you tried.’ I replied as she helped me get back up.

  ‘Oh well, thought I would try and lighten the mood after I saw you talking to mother dearest.’ She sighed, ‘Honestly, could she lighten up? Even for a little bit?’

  I looked at our frail mother talking to a very-bored looking Tiffany, ‘Dad took a lot out of her Tiff, it’s not her fault.’

‘Stop using that as an excuse, he knocked her about a bit sure, and you too, but you aren’t around now still sulking about it, you have your life together. If that was me, I wouldn’t let it affect the rest of my life, I’d go on an expensive holiday, get drunk, sleep around, it wouldn’t define me.’ Tiffany swung back a drink from the table to prove her point.

  ‘How is your new boyfriend while we are on the topic?’ I asked, attempting to be subtle.

  ‘Amazing, Liam has one year left and then he will be a qualified surgeon! He’s so dreamy, imagine Derek from Grey’s Anatomy, he’s on that level. Liam is so romantic; he buys me flowers all the time and surprises me all the time on dates and…’ Alessia gushes.

  ‘Alright, I get the picture, calm down.’ I say with a smile, ‘I’m going to go and mingle with some other normal people who are in boring relationships speak to you later!’ I quickly rush off and sneak into a group of people already talking.

  The rest of the party goes quickly it’s pretty uneventful I catch up with old friends, colleagues, and members under my command until it’s time for me to give my speech. I look for Eve comfortably talking to an irritated-looking Tiffany, Simon is chatting away to my mother. I’m looking forward to coming clean, being a real family from now on, I’ve been feeling this way all my life, trapped acting as someone I’m now. I cannot wait for people to meet the real me.

  Calmly I walk up onto the stage, hands shaking holding tightly onto my speech it’s now or never.

*

  I watch Robert as he gets up onto the stage, Tiffany is close by looking pleased to be out of the conversation after she was complaining about how much longer we had to be here. Robert looked nervous, he never looks nervous, if anything when he’s in uniform he’s never calmer.

  Even if we have been having problems in the bedroom, he comes back from work, I compliment him on his uniform, and he’s turned on. Maybe he’s just anxious about the last time being in this environment, it is a party to celebrate his retirement he might not like having all the focus on himself.

  ‘Thank you all for being here and celebrating with me and my family, after 25 years in the service it is finally time for me to retire and I’m looking forward to not knowing what do to with myself.’ He began calmly, ‘My life has been so rewarding, meeting my beautiful wife Eve, having our children, Simon and Tiffany, working under so many knowledgeable people, and training many of you in the audience…’

  Oh God what was he doing this wasn’t the script that he had written, these weren’t the things he was planning to say, please Lord help him he’s sounding like he wants a divorce as though there’s a but coming.

  ‘But,’ Robert started, ‘I have not been honest to my family, friends, workmates, and mostly myself.’ He paused.

  Hurry up, please God make him hurry up I can’t take this anticipation anymore just say it already!

‘I am looking forward to starting my life again….’ Pausing again, he looked nervous, then said, ‘I want to be a florist!’

The audience was quiet, but after a few seconds, everyone started clapping.

I looked at an anxious Robert walking down the stairs; something wasn’t right. He was going to say something else, but something stopped him. Then I saw him going into the storage closet and closed the door, so I followed him.

The rest of the people around us got back to chatting as I headed into the closet. Shutting the door behind me and turning around I looked at my husband on the floor hugging his knees rocking back and forth with tears running silently down his cheeks.

‘Robert, honey, what is it? What’s happened? I asked sitting down next to him resting my hand supportively on his shoulder.

‘I can’t. I cou… could….’ he replied back to me whimpering.

I had never seen him like this before, it was scaring the crap out of me.

‘Please just talk to me, it’s not about being a florist is it if that’s the problem I don’t care just talk to me if you’re scared about what to do after retiring, we can figure it out.’

Wiping his eyes, he looked at me, almost like he was in pain. ‘There’s, there’s… something I haven’t told you Eve. I…’

‘Please, God no! Tell me it’s not cancer! Are you having health problems? A mental breakdown, you’ve had an affair?’ The words just came flooding out of my mouth.

Then he finally answered me. ‘For as long as I could remember, I never felt right in my body. I thought it was just a stupid thought, a curiosity that I had, or even a mid-life crisis. It’s not. I am a woman. Or a transgender person, whichever you know best. This is me take it as you will; this is who I am.’ Putting his hands up.

  Then silence. I had no words. Nothing. It was as though all feeling and sanity had left my body. Everything had gone to shit.

  And on top of it all, it wasn’t cancer, or an affair it was worse. My husband was having a mid-life crisis, he has just come out as a woman.

*

  We left soon after that I grabbed Robert out to the car, I asked Tiffany and Simon to give us some time so hopefully, they would avoid their father’s insanity however brief I was hoping it would be.

  The drive was a blur, Robert tried to talk, but I was too focused on trying to drive and not kill him on the way back home.

I stormed into the house, with my husband following closely behind.

  ‘Eve, honey I know it was a shock but surely you must’ve known, I…’ Robert tried to say.

  I turned to him, my face contorted with rage, ‘How on Earth was I supposed to know that! You never told me. We’ve never had that discussion. When has it been your right to come out the way you did? What about your children? What about me? Do you not have any respect for us rather than just embarrassing your family to a crowd of people you put before us! How dare you, Robert! How dare you!’

  ‘I just…’ He started.

  I resorted to throwing a plate towards his head, he ducked narrowly escaping.

  ‘Unless your next sentence starts with an apology, I don’t want to hear it.’ I paused, tears starting to flow down my red cheeks, ‘Apologise or get out.’

  ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t think that far ahead, ok? I just burst. I’ve been holding it in for so long that when I said it, I didn’t think about you or our family I just needed to say it to whoever would listen. That was selfish of me, and I am sorry.’ Robert responded sincerely.

  ‘Am I not enough for you is that it? Could this not have been a conversation between us, so we could’ve sorted out how and what you’re feeling, I’m not a soulless person, is this because of you retiring, or have you been feeling this way before we met?’

Robert carefully walked over to me and placed his hands warmly on my shoulders. ‘You are my everything. You are more than enough; I have always felt this way, but it’s taken me until now to express it. I am a coward as I felt more comfortable to tell people in a crowd rather than to your face, I’m sorry for taking that moment away from us you deserved better.’

  ‘We need to talk about what happens now. Where does this leave us, our family?’ I questioned with tears covering my face.

  ‘I don’t know, but I hope that we can get through it together. I do love you and hope that we can still be together, I know that’s a lot to ask, but I will take anything that you will give.’ Robert said back, hugging me close to his chest.

  It was at that point that Tiffany and Simon decided to come back home.

  Where do we go from here?

This was written by our contributing writer, Shanai Besst.