In middle school, I became friends with a girl called Erica* (Not her real name, of course!).

For two years, Erica was my everything and since we were in boarding school, I saw a lot of Erica. We ate breakfast, lunch, and dinner together, went to class together, had the same friends, and hung out as much as we could.

It felt like we were in a movie, with Erica as the main character, and I was a happy sidekick. Of course, Erica never made me feel excluded or unimportant, but this dynamic took place because I loved Erica like a sister and always wanted the spotlight on her.

Now, Erica is married, and there is no trace left of our friendship except for the hearts I drop on her Instagram pictures now that she’s a new mum. I haven’t seen Erica in at least 5 or 6 years, but for some reason, I still long for our past friendship.

In this article, I would like you (the reader) and I to embark on a journey to dissect our feelings about past friendships and why we miss some friends.

Erica – “The one that got away”

I want you to think about the friend who was “the one that got away.” They represented perfect harmony-  the yin to your yang, like Erica was to me.

You may still wonder to yourself, “How is it possible that our friendship died out?”.

After all – You never had any arguments and got on like a house on fire. There was no basis for the friendship to fizzle out, even with time or distance; surely you could have made it work?

The basis of your longing for that friendship is that there was no reason to end it. The friendship should have been strong enough to last the test of time.

In my case, Erica was always nice to me. She really helped me make friends at a time when I felt socially awkward. I, in return, helped her to avoid repeating a year and we both supported each other morally.

I made Erica laugh with my silly dances, and I would burst out laughing when she made dumb jokes about people we knew or didn’t know.

It was always a pleasure being around her, so it was a bit disappointing when we last met during high school – we were no longer in the same school, and we decided to meet up halfway between my city and hers. And I can remember feeling crushed because I could sense that although we were both enjoying each other’s presence, we were never going to meet again.

The root of the hurt here is often linked to rejection, disappointment that the friendship has come to a standstill and nostalgia when reminiscing past adventures together. This is a bit how I imagine Needy feels in the movie “Jennifer’s body” – Her bff who she admires and loved forever suddenly changes and they can no longer be friends. Erica is basically the Jennifer to your Needy – Someone who you would do anything for (minus the romantic confusion) but who probably wouldn’t do the exact same for you.

The solution to overcoming the Erica in your life is simple but also extremely hard – it’s becoming Erica.

And no, I don’t mean copying Erica’s lifestyle, hairdo, and mimicking her expressions.

Becoming your Erica is basically finding ways you can embody traits you admired and loved in that friend and replicating some of the adventures you had.

In my case, this led me on a self-journey to improve my physical appearance. Erica was pretty and one of the big reasons she was considered cool and made friends easily was because Erica was pretty and easygoing.

That was the first step. My second step was becoming more carefree. Erica and I had an amazing time because she would laugh at a lot of things. She found humor in different scenarios and liked poking fun at people. Being able to have more fun in my life has allowed me to get over missing Erica a little bit because I don’t depend on her to enjoy myself on a daily basis.

Finally, there needs to be a form of acceptance. I know I will never forget Erica fully because we grew up together for a bit, and I have incredible memories of hanging out with her.

When you have a friend you miss, and it still aches, you need to be able to be happy for them that they chose to move on without you and watch their life from afar, wishing them well.

Sandra – When your friend chooses other people over you

Now that we’ve spoken of childhood/teenage friends, let’s move on to early adult relationships.

Sandra was someone I really liked and met in high school. During high school, we exchanged pleasantries, but it never progressed to a true friendship until we graduated.

I loved Sandra because she had a very caring personality. She was sweet, feminine, modest and smart and we always had interesting conversations.

Going with her to see the movies would always lead us to having some of the deepest talks, analysis and, as someone who is always in my head, it felt great having someone who was versatile in terms of subjects – One minute, we could be talking about a random Italian movie we saw together, the next we could discuss how weight gain affected our self-esteem.

The problem with Sandra was that she was friends with three people I couldn’t stand.

And this is a real problem. You cannot realistically be close to someone who is friends with people you despise.

In my case, I didn’t like these people because their morals conflicted with mine.

For example, one of the girls Sandra befriended was a “Christian” who smoked, had intimacy with losers on drugs, and then showed up to Church and came out ready to judge everyone and argue with her friends over cookies (This is not a joke, she did have a very public argument over a cookie someone refused to give her). I don’t like people who use religion as proof they are good people and then cause trouble.

My friendship with Sandra died after I moved out of the city we lived in. And although I remember her fondly, I believe I made the right choice. It is impossible to remain friends with people who are in a crowd you detest.

Staying friends with the Sandra in your life will foster resentment and paranoia that your secrets are not safe with this person.

Giving up on a friend that is friends with people you dislike requires determination and an understanding that forgetting about her is necessary for your own good.

You also need to give up on the “why” questions – There might not be a reason this person chose them over you.

In Sandra’s case, I feel she might have chosen these people out of convenience. But if it is out of genuine preference for them, then I believe Sandra cannot be as smart as I believe her to be.

This is why it is essential to stop overthinking these friendships – because they can be tainted.

Francine – The toxic friend

I’ve previously written multiple times about Francine in my articles for the Up and Coming.

Francine is a friend I had to ditch following several aggressive and unprompted outbursts.

Although Francine and I got on very well on days she was happy, she would use me as a punching ball on days she was stressed and find ways to blame me for it.

When I raised the issue with her, she tried to brush it away and refused to apologize.

I told her explicitly I was putting an end to our friendship because her behavior was unacceptable.

There have been many times when I have thought of Francine, missed chatting with her, and the worst part is I believe she misses me too – She has contacted me by Instagram DMs with her work account that I didn’t block and viewed some of my stories with that same account.

In situations where a friend behaves badly and shows no remorse or empathy when you bring up their behavior, it is imperative you get rid of them.

It is normal to miss the good times with them and wish things had been different. But overall, a toxic friend rarely changes. They rarely show awareness of how they impact you and just want the benefit of frequenting you without taking responsibility for how they treat you.

I recommend you remain firm and stay no contact with them.

Cillian – The damaged friendship

There are some friendships where you might miss this person, and although this person might miss you, your relationship is at an awkward point.

Cillian is a friend who is brilliant. He was dating a friend of mine when I met him, and I remained friends with him after they broke up.

I adored Cillian’s mind and always wanted to be around him. I even became friends with all his own friends. I would host parties at my place to have them all around and spend more time with Cillian.

The issue in my relationship with Cillian was… relationships.

We met when we both had partners, so I never saw him as anything else but a friend.

After I had just broken up with my long-term partner, Cillian came onto me at a time when I was definitely not ready to date again and was down in the dumps.

This ultimately caused a rupture in our friendship. Cillian no longer saw me as a friend, and I was not ready to move on. Our friendship resumed after a while, but whenever Cillian would get a girlfriend, he would just vanish.

After many rodeos, I decided to call it quits and stopped contacting Cillian.

Some events may damage your friendships. What is important is to keep in mind that when it’s beyond repair, you need to stop investing time and energy and move on.

Once you are determined to let go, the nostalgia fades away.

Indira and Polly – Friends who don’t make enough efforts

Indira and Polly are two friends who are part of a group.

I was never 100% part of the group, but I hung out with Indira and Polly a lot. I was obsessed with both of them. They both have this charisma, where they are subtle and not over the top but always great company, and they would provide excellent advice. They are both rational, without being a drag, and used to make quite a bit of effort to invite me to events.

At one point, when I moved, Indira and Polly moved closer to each other, and since their group was closer, they forgot about me a little bit.

At first, I didn’t mind because it’s not a big deal and I contacted them a lot.

The breaking point for me was when I scheduled a phone call with Polly and she forgot twice in a row and didn’t reschedule.

For Indira, it was when she didn’t bother wishing me my birthday after I had never missed hers in years.

I decided that I shouldn’t be chasing after friends. Relationships are supposed to be reciprocal and not one-sided or contingent on whether you live close or far away.

The trick in these relationships is to keep them on standby: You mustn’t end them, nor must you be the only one doing everything to keep them afloat. Keep them on standby – ready to resume in case one of them catches on what is going on.

So here we are – Missing friends is normal and hurts, particularly when there is no reason for them ending. The advice I would give you is to look at characters on TV shows or in books that you would like to befriend and try to emulate the qualities you like in them to fill the sense of adventure and joy your former friends left behind.

Remember that not all friends are meant to be kept for a lifetime.

This was written by our contributing writer, Suzanne Latre.