My therapist once said, “If the compromise interferes with who you are as a person, then you are people-pleasing, not compromising.” Her truth rings in my ears four years later every time I mull over a decision. The truth is, I am a really flexible person. I generally don’t care what we have for dinner, where we spend our vacation, or how we tackle household chores. I am happy to make other people happy, but it can’t be at the cost of who I am. With a few decades into adulthood, this has become a lifelong battle of wondering am I people pleasing or being flexible?
I want to be flexible. A dear girlfriend of mine is particular about which chair she sits in at a restaurant. I don’t sit down until she finds just the right spot. This is a perfect example of caring about what she needs/wants in a situation that truly doesn’t affect me. However, when she wants to eat sushi, and I am allergic to fish, we can agree this would be people-pleasing and not a healthy compromise to make. That was the time I reminded her of my dietary restrictions, and we chose another place, which left me feeling as if I wasn’t making her happy, even though it could be a life-threatening situation for me. Who taught me I am not able to take care of myself at the risk of displeasing others?
My bigger challenge is learning that I am allowed to assert my needs and wants into relationships that don’t have a direct correlation to my health. I don’t always have to be the easygoing one. If I am in the mood to eat Mexican food that night, I am an equal participant in the conversation. My voice is allowed to be heard and discussed with others. I am just as deserving as my friends and family to chase after my desires, even in something as simple as what I’d like to have for dinner. However, when you intertwine childhood abuse and neglect into your adult life, it is very easy to understand how difficult finding your voice becomes. We were silenced at the hands of someone else; most survivors were verbally threatened if we did anything besides people please our perpetrators. As logical as it all is now, to understand we are adults with opinions, we weren’t taught how to have them, express them, or that they were even important.
Here we are, well into adulthood, trying to understand how to deliver a kind opinion when the rest of the world feels as if they are only watching out for themselves. Where is the balance in being flexible and meeting your needs? What does it actually look like to find your voice to becoming a Recovering People Pleaser? The below questions are my guide when I want to assert myself, but I am not sure if I am being flexible or people-pleasing.
Does this compromise my physical well-being? (IE: eating something I’m allergic to)
If I follow through with this, will I be upset with myself?
If I don’t follow through with this, will I be upset with myself?
Am I seeking the approval of someone else?
Is this decision aligned with my goals and boundaries?
Am I giving my opinion equal consideration to those of others?
Once I have studied those answers, I work to form a response that is in alignment with my voice and who I am. I may not always get it right. I still have People-pleasing tendencies; however, I am better equipped now to assert what I want in a situation when I put in the work to answer those six short questions. My closest friends and family know I am working towards ending my People Pleasing behavior and are able to assist me through the process. Slowly but surely, I will continue to work on asserting the voice I wasn’t allowed to have as a young child. Together, I know we will build a brighter future where I no longer need to go through a questionnaire to trust myself. Until that day, I am happy to add more tools to my basket and continue working towards becoming the adult I am meant to be.
This was written by our contributing writer, Tiffani Morgan.
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