The data shows that men and women cannot be friends.

The data also shows that men and women can be friends.

Simply put, when one or both cross-sex friends are attracted to one another, can they truly be “just friends?”

Statistically speaking, when cross-sex friends are in relationships with significant others, they are available for non-attracted friendships and often provide a valuable perspective into the lives of the opposite genders.

To rule out attraction, both parties require having honest, open conversations about their expectations. We can agree, though, that if there is an attraction which one of the parties would like to explore, the level of honesty could still be in question.

The exception to all of this are the people you spend most of your time with, your work friends.  The research clearly supports men and women conversing within a working dynamic if that friendship is confined within the office boundary. Work friends start to get muddled when the relationship continues outside of office hours – it is at that time one would need to understand if either are attracted to one another to move forward in having a cross sex friendship. Clearly, the same rule applies – if one or both parties are attracted to one another, it is best left as an untouched friendship.

Generally speaking, men who prefer to confide with women are men whose mother figures supported their emotional state while having a father who played the traditional role of “men don’t cry.” Men, more so now than ever before, seek female friendship to be emotional with as they have been taught their male friends are more for beer and sports – but as the generations improve in emotional intelligence and vulnerability, we know men need more than just beer and sports for connection. As for women, they find comfort in getting the male perspective, living off the assumption – that once you have entered a sexual relationship with a man, rarely can you receive honest feedback without an agenda. Therefore, the male friendship serves as a place to gather data and support without sexual contact interfering with the results.

Just as men find comfort in seeking advice from their female counterparts, women feel the same in speaking with men. Sometimes I want advice on how to handle a situation with my husband, but I don’t want to bounce those ideas off of my husband first, I want the male perspective. Truly, all genders have a lot to learn from one another.

The truth is that there are many healthy cross-sex friendships that co-exist within marriages. Many couples find it best to only have cross sex friendships that are coupled, some base it off gut instinct on rather they think the friend would step on clearly defined boundaries, while other couples agree there are no cross-sex friendships allowed within their marriage. What it truly boils down to is finding the right balance within their marriage and equal understanding while expecting there will be exceptions to the rule as well as a lot of compromises.

At the end of the day, we need to define our boundaries and put them into practice immediately. This is not a one-way street – if one of us is uncomfortable with cross-sex friendships for the other person – that boundary becomes a marriage boundary equally applying to both people. 

The key is to be willing to have a candid conversation without shutting your partner down. Sometimes, we have a gut feeling screaming at us that this other person is not the right friend for our partner; other times, we may be privy to their past history and know they have crossed boundaries. However, it should be noted that this trust you are seeking is not from the friend; it is from the person you are having a relationship with.

There is no right or wrong way to have a relationship with someone of the opposite gender. But let’s all agree, we absolutely want to respect the boundaries our partner has in place and vice versa. If they are unwilling to respect your boundaries, there are bigger issues at hand.

This was written by our contributing writer, Tiffani Bourriague.