As women, we’ve all had a moment in our lives where we met someone very confident and thought to ourselves, “I wish I were as confident as this person.”

We’ve all watched series like Desperate Housewives, Sex and the City, Gilmore Girls, and Euphoria and seen characters like Gaby, Samantha, Lorelai, or Maddie and hoped we could one day have the sass, the sexiness, the unconditional self-love, and the ability to stand up for ourselves no matter what comes our way.

By comparing ourselves to such characters, we have judged ourselves as timid, fragile people. What if I told you the reason you aren’t confident is not because you weren’t born that way but because you conditioned yourself to think you aren’t enough?

1. It’s not that you are not confident – It’s that you don’t do enough.

One of the top reasons you lack confidence is because you’re not giving yourself enough tasks that can build up your self-esteem.

It’s easy to assume people are born confident.

My grandfather is the prime example of this. He is a man who can manage to talk to people whose language he cannot speak by using his hands. He can make anyone laugh because he has quick comebacks and hilarious stories (One involves auctioning a piece of cheese during a game of petanque – And it sold for wayyyyy more than its original price.)

My father recently told me that my grandfather wasn’t actually born confident. He is a serial rehearser and a serial action-taker.

My grandfather would take up any role that required any type of public speaking – he started out as the president of a local association. He would have to write and deliver his own speeches to hundreds of people he didn’t know.

Rather than bite his nails because of the nerves, he would sit on the toilets for HOURS, rehearsing and rehashing his speeches. This extreme rehearsal is what gave him the confidence to speak to people (outside of the bathroom).

Seek your comfort space to practice difficult things. If that means preparing a brief in your pjs and on the floor, then so be it. Just pick up the load of work and stop dropping opportunities that come your way just because they require effort.

This is not some “fake it until you make it” mantra. I am telling you to find at least two new opportunities to seize this month because confidence often comes from accomplishments and knowing who you are.

2. Lack of confidence is the symptom, not the illness.

You need to look yourself in the eyes and ask, “Why am I unconfident?”.

What is the first response that comes to mind?

Is it:

 – I’m not actually good at my job.

– I hate the way I look

– I’m so awkward in public

These types of self-critical answers are giving you an indication of what needs to be changed. Giving up on one or multiple areas of your life is what is causing you to be and behave unconfidently.

Recently, my confidence was slightly knocked during a work meeting. My colleague looked at me and said: “You have a great wealth of professional experience. You should dress in more formal attire to reflect this.”

The reason this comment triggered me is because it’s true to a degree. I often opt for floral dresses at work, not thinking that it makes me look like an office intern rather than the managing director. To solve this issue, I do not need to repeat self-love affirmations. I need to actively look at my wardrobe and select pieces that reflect who I am professionally.

The wave of lack of confidence I felt is NOT the issue here. The issue is that I could do more for myself and it was like a warning signal that I need change.

3. If you’re looking at people’s plate, your own food goes cold. Confidence comes from working with what you have.

In the American cartoon series “Daria”, the eponymous main protagonist is a highly-critical, self-deprecating and witty character. Daria is described as not being very attractive compared to other girls in her high school. On the other hand, her sister, Quinn, is an attractive and popular girl, with “bouncy hair”, great fashion but is often portrayed as not being highly-intelligent.

If you are like Daria, it is easy for you to look at the Quinns in your life and view yourself as inferior because you are comparing their clothes to yours, their hair to yours, the number of friends they have to yours, etc.

But if you are more similar to Quinn, you may find that people like you but don’t respect you the way they do people like Daria; you may feel like your grades or professional opportunities are lower than people like Daria and decide that you are not that great after all.

“Comparison is the thief of joy,” as the expression goes. Working on your lack of confidence may look like writing down three things you like about yourself every day. It will avoid you hyperfocusing on other people’s qualities you don’t possess, which would undermine your confidence.

4. You’re not unconfident but you are letting people knock you down.

I’ve met so many amazing people who have everything they need to be confident, and their only obstacle is their entourage.

Think of Penelope Featherington in the series “Bridgerton”. Penelope is unmarried and constantly has her nose in a book. As it is the regency era, her mother is keen on securing a good match for her daughter and constantly belittles Penelope for not putting more efforts into her appearance or courting and compares her to her sisters, who are far ditzier than Penelope. This constant pestering just hammers in the idea that Penelope is unmarriable, unlovable, and a burden to her family.

You cannot let people get away with assassination attempts on your spirit.

You must either stand up for yourself or distance yourself from people that make you feel small.

Recently, my mother told me a story about how a well-intended family member made a constant joke at her expense in public. She didn’t say a word because she knew their intent wasn’t to humiliate her, but the joke wasn’t harmless. It portrayed her in a negative light. My mother decided to keep the peace and address the issue in private.

However, I think that for your own sake, you cannot let people say such things to you (whether in public or not.) and that being firm is the best policy.

“I don’t know why you keep saying this in public. It really doesn’t paint me in a favorable light, you know.” Would have been my remark if I were in my mum’s beautiful golden wedge shoes.

When you accept negative comments, it creates mental dissonance – On one hand, you love yourself and are attempting to increase your confidence, yet on the other, you let people say rude or mean things to you.

Your brain can’t reconcile these two facts and will need you to ditch one of these options to move forward.

All in all, I would like you to work hard on your confidence by sculpting your life as if it were a piece of clay. If you want to be confident, then you have to actively choose to make efforts to increase your achievements, rehearse what you do and what you want to do, and improve the areas in which you are lacking (And yes, it requires brutal honesty towards yourself! Stop looking at what others do better than you (Unless it’s for inspiration), stop devaluing yourself, and do not let people step on your toes. This essentially demands that you leap from a passive observer in front of your TV and become that active and awesome main character of the play that is your life.

This was written by our contributing writer, Suzanne Latre.