Marriage is defined in the dictionary as a noun. Webster’s defines marriage as 1) A similar union of more than two people; a polygamous marriage. 2) The legal union of a man and woman as husband and wife, and in some jurisdictions, between two persons of the same sex, usually entailing legal obligations of each person to the other.

But I like to think of it as a verb. Verbs give action. Because marriage is work. Yes, it is a union of two people. But it is also a mixture of two elements. What happens when you combine two elements? For example, if atoms combine that are of two or more different elements, we call that a compound. All compounds are molecules, but not all molecules are compounds.

When two hydrogen atoms combine with one oxygen atom, it becomes the compound water.  An action occurs. Much like marriage. Each one coming into the marriage is different. We bring our positive and negative elements into the marriage, and it takes work.  It’s a whole heck of a lot of work. 

It isn’t always going to be sunshine and rainbows.  Sometimes, there are storms, and you get a bit weathered and worn, but the wonderful thing about a storm is the fresh smell in the clean air and the rainbow that sparkles in the sky.  A certain promise that the storm has passed and it will all be okay.

My husband and I have been able to celebrate 33 years come this January. Not common in this day and age. Too many couples yield to their differences and allow the relationship to fall apart rather than dig in and work to combine those differences and make something beautiful.

There are skills that shape any relationship, whether it is with a significant other or spouse, sibling, parent, or co-worker.

The seven relationship skills that make any interconnection bring a higher level of purpose. 

1- heartfelt understanding

Seek to be understood.  Having an open and honest relationship is essential. It’s easy to walk away from an argument or when something doesn’t go the way you want. That only solves the problem temporarily. Improving communication means you have to trust the other person, knowing that what you say will be heard, and you must listen to be understood.

Communication is a two-way street.  Burying emotions to satisfy a temporary solution only further eats at the foundation in the relationship before it begins to crumble and fall apart.

2- give your partner what he/she really needs

Tony Robins says, “There are six human needs that are the driving force in shaping all emotions and actions.”  We are compelled forward by force to have these needs met.

Certainty – the need to feel certain.  It is knowing that everything is going to be okay.

Significant – the desire to be someone of importance.  Behaviors drive the need for significance.  If it is not met, the person may lose all control and take their frustrations out of co-workers or those close to them.

Connection/Love – We all want to feel connected.  That may come in the form of love with another person or a sense of belonging. 

Variety – Seeking stimuli through changing things up.

Contribution – Having a deep need through giving or serving gives a sense of fulfillment.

Growth – Whether it is the need to personally, mentally, or physically grow. Fulfillment is achieved when we see some level of growth in our lives.  It could be a bank account, the number of accolades from a job well done or raises achieved.

Once you gain insight into the underlying needs that drive your behavior, you’ll unlock the power to reclaim control over your life. By recognizing and addressing these core motivations, you can forge new patterns and pathways, leading to enduring fulfillment and a more meaningful existence in your relationships.

3- create and build trust and respect – Healthy relationships are forged out of trust. My father used to say, “You are not a man if you’re not true to your word.”  In other words, don’t make promises you can’t keep, and respect is earned.

4- reclaim playfulness, presence, & passion – Discover what brought the two of you together in the first place.  After being together so long, you find compromise is what holds you together. As we get older, we find that once what we desired or found joy in isn’t the same as what it is today. Rediscover new passions.

5- harness courage and embrace honesty -Be true to oneself.  It takes courage to say what you want and receive the truth when it may be stones that are handed out.  On our journey to discovering what makes us better together, it took brutal honesty. I didn’t like a habit my husband developed over time, and he voiced his truth.  With open communication, we didn’t find fault but instead embraced and chose to grow and change for the other.

6- uncover and create alignment – polarity and feminine and masculine presence.  We each embody both masculine and feminine traits.  It’s what makes us whole.  Happy Partners Project creates conscious relationship courses and states, “When partners disconnect from their native energies, relationships suffer –– lack of intimacy, fighting, and frustration. Specifically, the outcome could be anger, depression, frustration, and emasculation of the man’s side. For the woman–– overwhelm, feeling abandoned with lack of support, safety, clarity and direction from the partner.”

 7- be an example – It reminds me of the younger brother that wanted to be like his much older brother. Why? Because he was his hero and everything the older one did, the younger wanted to imitate.  Who do you want to be? Is it the person others look up do and want to follow? If not, ask yourself why.  What is it that you need to change to be the example that others can follow.

Finding our differences and combining them in the marriage or in any other form of relationships can make us better together.

This was written by our contributing writer, Shannon Testa-Hrimnak.