The Up & Coming Magazine

Image Credit: Unsplash- Carmen Laezza

Have you ever felt like you were two different people experiencing a situation from both perspectives that conflicted with one another? No matter how hard you tried, getting the different perspectives of yourself to agree and connect felt like an impossible goal. At the end of the day, you are more likely to lean into the side that resonated in that moment, even if a few days later, you would have made a different decision. As complicated as it might sound, this is normal. We are a species designed to see the whole picture and connect to the situation based on our experiences. Our experiences are what form “common sense”, but they are also the guiding light in how we show up in the future.

 I often see clients who are at great odds with these conflicting parts. Can I be both the office powerhouse and the submissive wife at home? Can I support and cheer on the soccer coach who is a great coach but a horrible husband to his wife? How do I allow what is right for others but is wrong for me to exist in the same room?  The examples could go on and on. You are not unique to sit in this struggle. In fact, the more we could bring the opposing sides to the table, I’d argue, the better our future will be.

This is the work I am currently doing in therapy. Parts Theory, developed by Richard Schwartz, suggests “the self is composed of various parts, each with its own distinct feelings, beliefs, and roles.” While the parts can be complementary, often we see these roles clash and create inner conflict. The key to success in calming the conflict is allowing both parties to be present in the decision-making, which can often present as inner dialogue, journaling, verbal processing with a therapist or close friend, or even perhaps slowing down long enough for the answer to “just appear.”

It’s important to keep in mind that the neurodivergent brain may sit in more conflict than someone who naturally is able to take their time in decision-making. During rapid processing, dreaming, and thinking as the ADHD brain is often attributed to, it is easy to fumble into chaotic strategizing with a strong desire to solve problems and just fix it. I know this is all too often my biggest hurdle in bringing both parties to the table to make a decision.

At the end of the day, I firmly believe we should follow our intuition. If something doesn’t feel right, the odds are high that you shouldn’t do it. Where my conflict rises is in the places that feel right, but I logically know I should move on from or let go. Is there a place of acceptance that can happen between the two conflicting parts that honors how the powerhouse and the nurturing caretaker feel? Or is it more about understanding which side of you resonate with the most?

I can say it’s been quite a journey working through my parts. To be clear, this is not the same as someone who has multiple personalities, if you will. This is to acknowledge that we are all multifaceted and capable of being opposites within ourselves. It is acceptable to have confusion while struggling to learn and understand what is important to you. I can say that the conflict is real. Outside opinions certainly don’t make it any easier. No matter how well you might explain a situation to someone, they simply aren’t living your life. They can relate or understand as much as their experiences allow them to do so, but they will never fully know what happens between your head and your heart.

At the end of the day, this is your life. If you are living a life based on your values, morals, and principles, then you are leading a path that honors both parts even in the moments you feel as though you are not. When you get confused, slow down, take a deep breath, and remember who you are!

No decisions must be made today. Take time to just be.

This was written by our contributing writer, Tiffani Morgan.