There was a knock at the door, and Artie found a UPS box sitting on his No One’s Home Went Fishing door mat. He retrieved it and went back to his recliner. The ball game was blearing a fresh home run for the other team, and Artie just shook his head in disgust. Reaching for his thick-rimmed reading glasses, he read the label.
Recognizing the sender, he grunted, “What the hell did this kid send me now… If it’s another bottle of Ginkgo Biloba… I’m 78. I’m not senile. It’ll just sit with the other 4 bottles on the microwave.”
Artie stabbed a pair of pliers he was using to straighten out a pile of bent fishing hooks into the seam of the box and ran it across the tape to break the seal.
“Such a waste of paper towels. Use freakin’ newspapers next time. The news is crud anyway.”
After the last wrinkled paper towel was smoothed out and placed in a pile, Artie saw a small rectangular box. “I’d rather have that bottle of memory pills. What the hell am I going to do with this?”
He pulled out a cell phone and a letter from his grandson, Bobby.
The letter read, ‘Hey, old man, welcome to the new world of cellphones. It works like a regular phone but without a cord attached to the wall. Plus, you don’t have to dial each number as you do on your rotary phone.
Your new cellphone is already set up. I programmed my number, mom’s, and your friend Freddy’s. So, no more looking up our numbers. Also, I added a few things I think you’ll like. All you have to do is tap the picture, which is the little box you see on the screen.
To text me, just tap the green box at the bottom right of the phone. Tap it, scroll to my name. I am under, “Bobby, your favorite nephew.” Tap the black space and text me. Don’t forget to press send after you are done typing. That’s the arrow next to the text box.’
I’m waiting for a text. Follow the steps slowly, and you’ll get used to texting.’
“You’re not my favorite now that you got me this ridiculous thing,” Artie rumbled as he read on.
‘Oh, press the side button on the right of the phone to turn it on. Don’t forget to keep an eye on the battery level.’
Artie threw his new device back into the box. Then picked up the receiver to dial his nephew.
When the answering machine came on, he left a message of, “Why did you waste your money on something I’m never going to use. Phones with cords are good enough for me.”
Artie turned the volume up on his ball game and went back to straightening his fishing hooks.
It wasn’t until 8:07 that night when the cell phone beeped in the box. Artie woke to see Bill Greenboro on the tube catching a huge mud bass in a swamp off South Carolina. After another beeping sound, he adjusted himself in his chair, pushing his reading glasses up onto his nose, and took the cell phone out of the box.
To be sure he knew what to do with the dang thing, he reread his nephew’s letter again, found the green box at the bottom right of the screen, tapped it, and saw a picture of a hand.
“What the hell am I supposed to do with a hand picture. High five, my phone?” he said to Bill on the T.V.
Just then, and lucky for Artie, a senior’s cellphone commercial came on, showing a woman typing a message with the oversized buttons.
He sat up straight and said, “If that old bat can do it, so can I.”
He typed with one finger ‘tyhis I s creazxy’ then pressed send.
A moment later, his phone beeped.
‘c u can text.’
‘Whaat doers c meanm anfd u’
‘Grandpa, it is a short slang for texting. The letter c, you can use for the word see, and u, is for the word you. Just say the name of the letter to get the word.’
‘Suppiord’
‘What?’
‘Stupopiord’
‘Do you mean stupid?”
‘YES’
‘It’s a new way of life, and everyone has a cellphone.’
‘im noott eeveryuonbe’
‘It’s good to keep your mind going and fingers moving.”
‘Mu minbd is fing and you should hav kept yor moneyy.’
‘Grandpa! You used the letter ‘u’ for the word ‘you’. Great job!”
‘I guuesr I canb geet thios thinfg’
‘Grandpa, look at your words. They are all spelled crazy. Just tap the letter button once, lift your finger off the button.’
‘Whuy I canm red it’
‘Grandpa! Look at how you are spelling the words. Why is not Whuy. Can is not canm. Red is a color.
‘jeikrngntoskfnejrk’
‘What is that?’
‘Me tampponing the lettwers’
‘OMG Grandpa. I’ll text you in the morning. I love you. Take your meds before you go to bed.’
‘Whart is omg Oattmel I hatttee it. I knw oin pillks.’
‘Use a period after your sentences. I’ll call you in the morning. Good night.’
‘u should havcce called mie in the firest place……..’
‘Funny. Good night, grandpa! Plug your cellphone in.’
Over the next two days and three phone calls later, Bobby helped his grandfather learn how to use his cellphone. It was to Bobby’s surprise how quickly his grandfather got used to it.
The next day at work, Bobby used his cell phone to post a proposal for a huge mall project on the smartboard. All was going well, and he knew that within the next ten minutes, he was about to close the deal of a lifetime. Bobby, who moments ago stood in his Armani suit looking so sharp and confident, turned every shade red as he saw the next page of his presentation.
‘U C thaat woman wearing a thin bandana around her chest covering what it needs to. Love your grandpa.’
As Bobby immediately fumbled with his phone, clicking, pressing, and nearly dropping it, he changed the picture back to his proposal. He had forgotten that he had snapped a picture of the text to show his grandfather what it looked like.
Just as giggles slowed and eyes moved back to Bobby, who was now all sweaty and apologizing left and right.
The buyer stood with his associates, walked over to Bobby, extended his hand, and said, “You had us from the beginning. Also, anyone with a grandfather like that gets the job. Bring your grandfather next time we meet. I like to shake that man’s hand.”
This was written by our contributing writer, Carissa Kopf.
Image Source: Pexels, SHVETS production
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