How I’m intentionally navigating life post-healing, including being purposeful in planning and no longer subscribing to performative-based lifestyles.
I’m a planner.
I love using my glitter pens and writing in my floral planner. Detailing the things I have placed on a daily to-do list-while also using an alarming amount of sticky notes-brings me joy the same way a child loves to eat candy. I love to plan.
But while I love to plan, it is the execution of those plans that was once the thing I struggled to accomplish each day. We live in a world where people make content showcasing their 5 am routines; how they lead these hyper-productive lives that are super successful due to their meticulous planning, while they’re waking up at the butt-crack of dawn every day.
“Watch me as I show you my 15-step morning routine; cook a Michelin-star-worthy breakfast for my 4 kids; Make organic jam and homemade bread for their sandwiches. Watch me accomplish all of this by 7 A.M.… unlike the rest of you measly mortals. Use code 5 A.M. and save 50% off this brand of energy drink! “That’s the scripted content any lifestyle influencer you may think of says (while looking camera-ready as the video starts when an alarm goes off at 5 A.M.).
What do the “kids” say these days?
No tea; no shade. Clock it! Or something… I don’t know; I’m a geriatric millennial who is secretly hoping Myspace makes a comeback.
Obviously, I’m poking a little fun while exaggerating the image of an influencer. But the point stands: we are bombarded by images of perfection-goals and curated lifestyles that make us strive for a performance-based life-instead of a purpose-driven life.
I’ve spent the last 30-plus years of my life in a performative nature. Call me Meryl, because I was giving Oscar-worthy performances in life.
I molded my existence to fit into spaces I coveted to belong into…be accepted in. As I’ve mentioned in past pieces here for The Up And Coming Magazine (along with my other printed works and columns), I have been on a journey of not just recovering from past suicide attempts (and mental illness that was untreated) but also learning to live authentically and purposefully for the first time.
I’m still a planner.
That isn’t something that will ever change just because I’m evolving into the person I’m meant to become; failing to execute plans is something I’m having to overcome, as they’re one of the last pieces of my former life that still are attached to the woman I’m emerging as. Planning is easy. I love to plan and set goals that reflect the person I’m working hard at becoming. Having the discipline, commitment, and consistency to effectively carry out those written targets has been a new habit I’ve acquired.
I’ve struggled to figure out why I was having such a hard time going from pen and paper to foot on the ground and acting. Then it hit me while I was having a discussion with my soon-to-be 18-year-old son. (Yes, shocking, I have a son old enough to vote this year- and I’m only 21! Haha…I love to say that and watch as it elicits an eyeroll from my kid).
“Mom, you just bought a brand-new planner and to-do-list notepads, but is it even helping if you’re having to scratch out the date and put another one, all because you didn’t accomplish that list? Seems like a waste of money to me!” His sweet voice is one that will question and challenge me to stop and think about why I’m doing certain things.
Why did I spend $100 on MORE planning and organizational tools if I’m still just writing ideas down and not fully following through?
I sat with that question for a few days. I allowed the balance of being accountable, while showing grace to myself, to be the bridge that helped me walk towards the awareness that I was still allowing fragments of performative-based actions to influence how I live and work.
Healing journeys are exhausting and painful. It has been painful to be hit with the truth about myself (and others), day after day. But I’m thankful. My wallet is also thankful. Because I now realize there’s not ever going to be a “pretty enough” planner, organizational tools, or fancy-schmanzy products to help me build a successful morning routine as long as it’s built following the blueprint of someone else and what they have sold to the masses as an aesthetic-worthy lifestyle to strive for.
Again, as the “kids” say: No tea; no shade… that ate sis. Clock it! See, I’m young still!
I’m realizing that my choices and decisions must mirror the person I’m becoming, not just be a photocopy of the image others have curated online. I’m not a 5 am morning routine girly. I’m not a morning owl. I can get up at 5 am, do a full 15-step routine and work out, only to reach 8 am and want to lie back down and watch “The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel” for a few episodes before I even think of placing my feet on the ground again.
I don’t curate my life anymore; I live it. I now plan in a way that reflects just that- a life that is being lived. Living for me is about intentionally making decisions; taking the actions that reflect who you are-and what best aligns with choices that aren’t you just pandering to what others expect you to be and act like.
I still love planning.
I now love planning in a way that goes beyond the appearance of looking busy. I’m about reflection of intentions instead of curating images that.
Now hear me out: I’m not saying I won’t be seen purchasing cute planners and pens (or indulging in fancy-schmanzy items to make getting up early a more desirable thing for me); what I will be mindful about is my planning and not copying what I see on my algorithm, or feeling “less than” if I don’t mirror what others are doing. I’m a doer now, no longer just a planner.
This was written by our contributing writer, Raeshan Hart.
Image Source: Unsplash, Elena Mozhvilo
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