Nowadays, it is hard-pressed to see couples that have been married for longer than 15 years, if not more. This year, my husband and I will celebrate 32 years together.

Have they always been easy— absolutely not. But has it been worth it—most definitely. 

I believe, and I reiterate, that it is my belief that a generation of quitters has been raised. We find the generation before us, “Boomers,” remain married for sixty years plus. That is a lifetime.   And yet, those I have spoken with would never have changed it. Why? It’s the one thing that stands out above everything else. They gave of each other. Let’s get into it.  

First off, let me preface by saying this isn’t the end all be all to have a happy and long marriage. Some people just shouldn’t get married or at least married to the person they exchanged vows with. There are half a dozen other things that stand out for what makes a happy and fulfilled marriage, but that would be a book and not an article. 

But what are some of the things that stand out to accomplish this level of marital success? 

1). Communication.  

There is so much to be said about this one word. 

Of course, this would be at the top of the list. It is important to communicate. Women love to gab, and men, well, men don’t. So, how do you find that equal balance? I’ve learned over the years that when hubby comes through the door, not to harass him with the kids or the problems of the day. 

Yes, as a woman, you want to unload because all you have had are the kids all day, and you at least want some adult conversation, especially with the one person you consider your partner, but he has had nothing but demands placed on him all day. He needs time to feel safe and decompress, then hit him up.  

As we get older, our needs and desires change. Be open and honest about those things, even if it is about sexual intimacy and the practices of those ideas between each other. If you please each other in the bedroom, there is no desire to look elsewhere. But often, elsewhere is sought because there is intimidation about changing it up and growing beyond the missionary position. 

Expect to find yourself having a conflict and disagreement. Of course, who wouldn’t? You attached at the hip, so to speak, you’re bound to have a disagreement. And that is okay. But realize that you have differing points of view and find ways to discuss and understand each other’s points of view. Sometimes, we give our coworkers the benefit of the doubt over our spouse, and it should be the other way around. Your spouse is the one who would defend you to the moon and back; why not figure out their viewpoint and come to a shared understanding? 

2). Non-Sexual Touch. 

Touching each other as often as possible leads to emotional intimacy. Hold hands when you’re watching that movie on TV or sitting in the car together. The soft touch as he ushers you in front of him through a door or a soft squeeze of the leg. All those touches and gestures make your partner feel loved and adored. You haven’t forgotten them. 

It is said that a hug a day keeps the stress away. When you find yourself overly stressed and anxious, a good hug helps put it into perspective. I don’t know the science behind it, yet I find that with the solid arms around me for a good minute reassures me and I don’t feel all alone in my struggles.  

3) Spend “Couch Time” and go on dates.  

Life didn’t end when you decided to have children. Children make the family unit whole. But the children need to see that mom and dad are in love and not just living life when every day is spent working and just living to get through the day. With Couch Time, there is an impartation of that love expressed. We instituted Couch Time when the children came into the unit. After hubby is settled and whether this is done before or after dinner, take ten minutes on the couch where it is just the two of you. Not the kids. Kids need to know this is mom and dad time, and you are not to be interrupted. Talk about your dreams, day, and what you’re looking forward to. This is your time. Spend it on his lap and look into his eyes. Or just hold hands. The kids may not like it at first, but they will get used to it, and in the long run, they will remember when they are adults that mom and dad had that time together. 

Go on a date. For the love of God, I will repeat myself, life didn’t end because you had kids. We couldn’t afford child care early on in our marriage, and the kid swap helped. We found a couple who had kids about the same age as ours early on, and we would swap each weekend. They took a Friday, and we had a Saturday. Every weekend, without fail, we went on a date. Sometimes, it was a walk in the park; sometimes, it was dinner and a movie. It didn’t matter because we were together, and we were doing what we had done before we got married. It was an evening to look forward to. Find a hobby that the two of you enjoy and spend that time together.  

We discovered dancing.   When the kids got into high school, we quickly realized that in a few years, we didn’t want to wake up and say who the hell are you and want something else. We chose to enhance our life together. We took up dance lessons and began going to places that offered live music and dancing. Now that the kids are out of the house, we may have our own dance party in the house without the crowds, and the best part is the bed isn’t too far away. 

4) Accept that you and your partner will change over time—

As we get older, we mature. Our thoughts and likes are different than when we were teenagers. The relationship will need to learn to shift and be flexible to accommodate those changes that occur over time. We need to not be so rigid and unyielding to that change. I have heard many a counselor or professional say, “People are not static, and relationships need to be dynamic, as well.”

5)Make important decisions together. 

One person’s point of view and opinion about something isn’t above the other. Each other’s opinions matter. 

That includes everything from how to raise children to purchasing a house.  

Sometimes, there has to be compromise, and each other needs to be okay with that. A compromise doesn’t mean you didn’t get your way; it means that you found balance. 

6). Never forget why you married in the first place. 

We celebrate our Anniversary as an annual reminder to commemorate the day we got married. But let’s not let the days that fall between that day get lost. 

It’s easy to focus on those things that drive us batty, like leaving the sink dirty after he gets ready for work or when he takes a nap on the already-made bed; he doesn’t remake it. Maybe she doesn’t clean out the car, and you have to do it or remind yourself why you fell in love and what is amazing about your spouse. Did you fall for his chocolate eyes and the way he filled out his jeans? Or was it his charming personality that won you over? Maybe she has a witty personality and lights up a room when she walks in, and that melts your heart. Whatever it was that made you fall for the other, keep that close to your heart. If it is always in front of you, it won’t be so hard to find when days are hard. 

So, rather than giving up in seven years when the marriage has now added children to the mix and the job has become more demanding. Remember, the partner you married to is the one person who promised to always be there for you. Through thick and thin, you work on and work through those things that come your way and fight together.  

Looking back over the years, if we gave up when it was hard, I wouldn’t have what I have today. Relationships are birthed from connection, and when you give up, the connection is lost on some level. The relationship with my children would have been different. I may not have the close bond I have with my daughter, who has blessed our world with a little granddaughter. 

My son wouldn’t be able to connect with the opposite sex and be grounded and rooted in his life.  

And my husband I would not be enjoying the best years of our life as we work and play together.

This was written by our contributing writer, Shannon Hrimnak.