We were sitting at happy hour, half laughing and half wrestling with heavy topics, when the conversation landed on the idea of friends being family. One of our friends suddenly said, “Even though we say it, we all know friends aren’t really family.”
I couldn’t agree less.
Would you be surprised to hear that I rarely verbally intervene in debates like this? But this one stayed with me. Who were her friends? What was her family dynamic?
My fondest memories take me back to Arnow Avenue in The Bronx. My sister and I didn’t have cousins nearby, but we had six neighbors who treated us as such. When things got out of control at home, my mom ran to a neighbor’s house. When our home was raided. When there was no food. Even when all she needed was un cafecito.
Some of those memories blur with time. What I do know is that one of them I still see as my cousin. She is still my family. I have no doubt that if I ever needed a plate of food, she would open her door without hesitation and without judgment. That’s family.
In my own life, I’ve had no choice but to cut ties with certain family members. In many cases, we ignore the reality that our blood relatives may be the very source of our trauma or the reason we struggle to form healthy relationships. Instead, we pass down generational trauma under the disguise of acceptance, simply because “it’s family.”
Dr. Nadine Burke Harris speaks about childhood trauma and the ACEs study in her TED Talk. Her research shows how trauma, household dysfunction, incarceration, and domestic violence create toxic stress that impacts a child’s developing brain and body. One of the most haunting lines from her talk is when she says, “When the bear comes home every night.” Imagine surviving in the woods all day, only to come home to the bear. Your body remains in a constant state of fight-or-flight; what was once adaptive becomes maladaptive.
Now, although she didn’t mention this, I closed my eyes and imagined that bear following me into adulthood. Unfortunately, many of us have a bear.
When I tell people I don’t have much family, they laugh. They remind me that my father planted over a dozen seeds. What they don’t understand is that family isn’t about blood, it’s about who shows up genuinely, who cares about our nervous system and emotional safety, not simply who stays by title alone.
Recently, while talking to a sibling, she mentioned that “some things should be family outings.” This same sibling is accepting of adverse behaviors, choosing to sit uncomfortably with family rather than comfortably with strangers.
I’ve learned that my neighbor has been more of an uncle to me than my inappropriate “uncle” ever was. An uncle who remained in our lives for years until my generation made the decision to cut off communication. If someone made us uncomfortable, I wouldn’t dare allow them around my nieces or nephews. As an adult, I didn’t even want him around me.
To me, family should feel safe, invite you in, include you, and take care of you without expectations, without triggers, just love.
Apparently, that doesn’t happen very often anymore.
Family members are human. They make mistakes. But ask yourself this would you allow this behavior from another human being? I’m not advising you to cut off your auntie if she takes the last piece of cake.
If you strip the person from the title, would you allow them to have this much power over your emotional health, mental health, or even physical health?
In my personal life, I think of the youth I often mentor, would I allow them around this person? Exposed to these behaviors?
Painful, traumatic life experiences can bond us to people in ways that confuse connection with familiarity. My final sentiment is this: you don’t have to stay where you were broken.
Family can be chosen.
This was written by our contributing writer, Angie Taveras.
Image Source: Pexels, Enrico Martins
Leave a Reply to Angie Taveras Cancel reply