They say that growing old is not for sissies. Here’s another saying. It’s from a woman in my book group: “Aging is a bitch!” And I saw this next one on a mug in a gift shop: “Life’s a bitch, and then you die.”
Aging, however we view it, is inevitable, but if we accept that inevitability, we can find many ways to manage the passing of time and accept what happens to us as a part of the process. As a woman of a certain age, I’m trying to keep that in mind, but honey, it ‘ain’t easy!
As we age, a lot of things happen. We change – – big time. The mirror does not lie. Wrinkles appear. Gravity takes its revenge and everything sags, bags, and drags. Our muscles lose mass, we develop arthritis, and our bones weaken. We get heartburn, constipation, and the lumbago. And most of us suffer from CRS Syndrome (can’t remember shit!). There’s gray hair everywhere along with the threat of joint replacements, failing eyesight, hearing loss, and the discomfort of driving on the highway. And here’s a new one that totally surprised me.
Did you know that as you age, you lose the fat pads on the bottom of your feet? It’s true! The fat pads get thinner with time and activity. That was a bummer to hear, especially after years of walking, hiking, exercise classes, and yoga. By age 50, many of us lose half of that fatty padding. For a hot moment, I actually considered looking for a doctor who would agree to liposuck some of the fat out of my ass and give me my foot fat pads back!
No matter. Aging is a human rite of passage, and nobody gets to bypass it. Aging is inevitable, but how we age is a choice we have control over. We can manage how we think about, deal with, and progress through the process.
Aging well means you keep the outlook, vitality, and freshness of youth in attitude if not in physical appearance and ability. Aging well means being young-at-heart. It means making peace with your life; the good, the bad, the beautiful and the ugly. It means celebrating your hard-earned wisdom, acknowledging your ‘f**k-ups, honoring your ability to deal with and manage otherizing situations, remaining curious about and interested in the world, and perhaps drawing up your bucket list of things you want to do before you kick the bucket and transition off the planet. And perhaps most of all, aging well means having a sense of humor.
Having a sense of humor means being able to laugh at or at least see what’s funny in life’s absurdities. And with global warming and political storming, we have all the absurdities we can handle at the moment. I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase laughter is medicine. It’s true, and we all need hefty daily doses!
Now here come the jokes. Yes, jokes. What follows is part of a standup comedy routine I did on aging. It’s an item on my bucket list I’ve done and crossed off. I did two. Now, here’s Your Life Pre-Review.
Walk down a street. But not just any street. You can’t get a Life Pre-Review in the ‘burbs. Trust me on this. Those streets are way too tree-lined, upscale, empty, and quiet. I’m talking about a city street – – any good-sized city street. City streets are vibrant, crowded, colorful, and loud; a perfect setting for your Life Pre-Review. And folks there are only too happy to give it to you! Let me give you an example of what I mean. Spoiler alert. One of these scenarios actually happened to me. I’ll let you try to guess which one. Here we go.
You are on your way to the local gym to work out. It’s early morning, the gym’s Zumba class is in full swing and packed. You can tell because parking around the gym is tight, but you find a spot about three blocks away, park your car, and as soon as you step up onto the sidewalk, the first thing you pass is a construction crew. Over the noise of the jackhammers, bobcats and tractors, one of the workers calls out,
Hey baby! Lookin’ good, sweetheart!”
Hah! See? – You’ve just been born. You’re a sweet baby! Another man makes kissy face noises, and you know he’s not thinking about kissing your plump rosy baby cheeks – – – at least not the ones closest to your eyes!
Whatever.
Then partway down the block you spot a sister-friend you haven’t seen in a while and right there – BAM – you’ve aged about 10 years when she calls out, “Hey girl, hey! Long time no see – how’ve you been?”
See? You’re growing up. Entering the age of pigtails, school uniforms and pimples. Such fond memories.
Get the picture? Can you see where this is going? I knew you would.
Next you cross the street and see a group of women from church coming your way. They holler, “Sister, how you doin’ today!”
OK, at least that means now you’re a grownup. That’s familiar territory. You smile back and say, “Fine as the wine I wish I had a glass of right now – how you doin?”
Now we’re halfway down the block. There’s a man leaning up against the brick wall next to a liquor store. There’s a cigarette hanging out of his mouth. He looks you up and down, gives you a wink and says, “Hey momma – how you doin’?”
Momma!!! How’d that happen! In a flash, you’ve got two kids, a husband and a mortgage.
You shake your head and walk on. Out of nowhere, a boy on a skateboard whizzes by and almost clips you. You step out of the way, and he says, “Oops, sorry Ma’am.”
Ma’am? Ma’am? Oh no, you’ve been officially Ma’amed! That means your kids have (hopefully) moved out and are on their own. You and your significant other (if you still have one) are contemplating retirement.
And if that weren’t bad enough, what happens next is. You pass a basketball court with some teens sitting on a bench between throws and a young girl yells, “I love your pink shirt, Grandma!”
Grandma? Where did the years go? You turn slowly, really slowly cause’ now you got a touch of the lumbago. You slide your glasses down your nose and say, “Thank you, dearie!”
You toddle on down the sidewalk to the curb. The gym is one block away. Will you make it? Maybe, but – – and this is a BIG but. Across the street, you spot the Clark, Bell and Watkins funeral home, and you’re torn, really torn. Do you dare cross the street or do you just stand there in your Depends and Life Alert necklace until they come and carry you across!
IJS – I’m just saying!
This was written by our contributing writer, Elizabeth Gibbs.
Image Source: Unsplash, Ravi Patel
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